This year I have all of my children together for the holiday. Since the onset of Covid-19 my middle son hasn’t come “home”. We also ended up moving much further away to make it very difficult to share joint custody. It’s been an emotionally taxing and psychologically difficult two years.
Sunday was our “Christmas”. Draven and I went to Quality Dairy before everyone else woke up and got donuts. It was so wonderful to spend time with him just us. We haven’t had any one on one time, obviously, for years. My heart felt like it was finally starting to heal.
Once everyone was awake we started our gift exchange. we all laughed and giggled and were really enjoying each other’s company. I sat back and just watched everyone open their gifts and relished in all of the smiles that each gift was creating. I was the happiest mom surrounded by my 3 sons, Mike (my claimed son) and Krystal (D’s girlfriend) laughing and enjoying each other’s company.
After the last gift was opened, the 4 oldest left and went to the mall. Without any explanation, rhyme or reason… they just left. I had a whole day planned to spend with my family… but now most of them were… gone. I got really hurt. I started ugly crying. Then I started screaming and then I got angry. Really angry. Almost after the rage hit.. I decided that I was maybe I really was completely unnecessary in my own family. A superfluous piece of shit in this house. I went for a drive.
I have a spot in Lansing that I have gone to every time my world gets pear shaped and I want to just end the pain. It helps me clear my brain and gives me perspective. It was closed. I had no back up plan. So I went home.
When I got home I discovered that the four kids had gone to the mall to pick up MY gift they had on HOLD. They gave me the most perfect, epic, extraordinary gift I have been given ever. And I had been SO angry that I nearly ruined Christmas for my entire family. All over bad timing and lack of communication. I’m an asshole.
What did they get me, you ask? An autographed hockey puck. Signed by Dylan Larkin, current Captain of the Detroit Red Wings. I tried to ruin the rest of their lives all because my children knew EXACTLY what to get me for Christmas.
Monday was our Christmas with my parents and my brother’s family. I had carefully tried to pick out gifts that I thought my family would like that I could… afford. My niece seemed to like hers. My brother laughed at his coffee mug. My sister in law said she liked her cup.
My nephew hated his gift.
And in his wonderfully brutally honest way made sure I knew he didn’t like it. And it literally broke me again.
I was back in that place I was on Sunday where everyone bailed. I wasn’t necessary. I had ruined everything. I was shit.
I was in my parent’s bathroom on laying on the floor ugly crying once again. Broken completely by an 11 year old.
This is taking everything for me to type this right now….
I need help. My mental health is not okay. My physical health is not okay. So many aspects of my world is not okay. I am a fucking train wreck. I contacted my therapist today. I need help. And now I am admitting it. I guess that’s a step at getting better, right?